Instinct
by stupidsexymustang
Summary: Jean Havoc is faced with one of his greatest desires, and also one of his greatest fears. A Havolina fluff fic (Jean Havoc/Rebecca Catalina).


**_A/N I don't own anything. This popped into my head one night before I fell asleep and I couldn't let it go. For ohmytheon, who has been writing me Havolina angst so I countered back with Havolina fluff. :D Enjoy your stay in Fluff City._**

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Jean Havoc awoke in the middle of the night and found himself staring up at the ceiling. He'd been sleeping so poorly lately. It wasn't the twinges in his back this time. The phantom pains still gave him trouble, and were usually the cause of any midnight wakefulness. No, these days he was being kept up by worry, by terrible dreams that frightened him more than anything he'd experienced.

He got up, careful not to disturb the beauty sleeping next to him, and walked to the big picture window. He nudged the sheer curtain aside and looked out on the street, down at Central. It was a quiet Tuesday night, and he had to be up at work in just a few hours. No matter how long he'd been a soldier, he still couldn't get used to the hours. So early. He just wanted to sleep. But even know, when he was supposed to be sleeping, his body wouldn't let him. At least he'd be used to it when...

Jean sighed. Running a hand through his short blond hair, he pressed his forehead against the cool glass, attempting to steady his still heavily beating heart. It had been another damn nightmare. At least he didn't thrash in these, like he used to. He was trying to be so calm and collected during the day, in front of people, but inside he was so terrified that he could burst. Like trying to keep a lid on soda that was overflowing from pressure.

He heard a small noise behind him and turned around quickly. He smiled gently, tilting his head and leaning against the window. His wife had rolled in her sleep, muttering to herself. He chuckled as he imagined the look on her face when she saw her hair in the morning. It was quite a mess right now, the long dark curls spilling over the pillows and wrapping around her neck. He didn't know how she maintained it. He actually loved it best when it was like this, wild and out of control. Just like her.

Rebecca Catalina had calmed down a lot in the years he'd known her, but she had never stopped being her. Not even when she became Rebecca Havoc, and they'd married in front of all their friends and family. According to Riza, her bachelorette party had been "unrefined in the best way". Exactly how he would have wanted it. He'd fallen in love with that attitude, that wild ferocity and spirit. They still argued constantly, even having been together five or six years now. He doubted they'd ever stop. She'd calmed down, certainly, but she was still Rebecca. His Rebecca.

Currently, the moonlight was shining in through the window, cutting across the bed and casting a glow onto his wife's swollen stomach. She'd only begun showing a few weeks ago, but she already had a sizable bump. That bump was what was keeping him up at night. Ever since his wife had started properly showing, he'd been getting nightmares that pulled him awake constantly. They kept showing him his worst fears, and proclaiming one fact: he was completely terrified of being a father.

The worst part was that he didn't know why. He'd wanted to be a father for so long, used to bug Rebecca about it constantly. Jean had always wanted a family, wanted his own children. He'd dreamed of fatherhood. Now it was here, and the only dreams he had were of completely failing at this new job. What if something happened to the baby? What if something happened to Rebecca? What if he just...what if he just wasn't a good dad? The baby could hate him. They baby could hate him for good reason. That idea broke his heart. He wanted to be the best dad possible, to be as good a father as his father had been, as good as Rebecca's...he had no experience, he had no idea what he was doing...

His wife muttered softly again, twitching a little in her sleep. He couldn't help but smile at her. Jean sighed. She had no idea what she was doing, either. And yet there she was, being a perfect little baby incubator. His amazing wife. She was stressing out so badly, reading so many books, going to classes, talking to her sisters about their experiences...she was a bundle of nerves. She told him that the books said that there was 'maternal instinct'. That she'd know what to do. He desperately hoped that applied to him as well. Was 'paternal instinct' a thing? Would the baby come out and he'd already know how to take care of it? Would he already be armed with the perfect dad joke? If his kid got his head stuck between the bars of a staircase landing, would he automatically know the proper creamy substance to release his idiot child's head? He would, actually, as Jean himself had been that idiot child when he was six. Peanut butter did the trick.

At least he'd know that. Maybe that was all this was. Personal experience and the ability to learn. It was the learning that was hard. What if, while he was learning, something happened? Something he could have never prepared for? His greatest fear was losing Rebecca. He knew he couldn't do this without her. She was perfectly healthy, everything with her pregnancy was progressing like normal, but that didn't mean something might not happen. He had gone into overprotective husband mode, hovering around her at times, constantly asking if she was alright. It drove her up a wall. He couldn't help it, though. This was all he could do. His wife, his beautiful wife was carrying his perfect unborn child and if anything happened to either of them it would be _his_ fault, it would be entirely Jean's fault because he was their protector, it was his _job_.

Jean ran a hand over his face, sighing. He needed to get back to sleep. He walked back over to the bed and sat down. He was about to crawl back in when he paused. He adjusted, lowering himself to his knees on the ground and crossing his arms on the bed, resting his chin on his arm and peering at Rebecca's stomach. It moved up and down as she breathed, and for a moment he just watched. Then he put his left hand out and placed it lightly on her stomach, just above her navel. He cleared his throat.

"Hey little bean," he whispered. "How are you? I bet you're warm and safe in your mama's tummy. She loves you so much, you know. I hear her talking to you all the time. I bet you're so used to her voice. She talks to you when she cooks, when she showers, when she goes out. She sings to you, too. Her voice is better than mine, but I promise I'll sing to you too. Your mama and your daddy love you. That second one is me. I'm your daddy. I know you know that, I say it to you all the time. But it's still nice to say." Brilliant. He was making an idiot of himself to his wife's stomach. But he could feel his heart rate slowing down as he talked, so he kept going.

"Do you know how long I dreamed of you, little bean? Even when I was a kid, I wanted a kid. I was the little brother and I saw all these other families with kids younger than me and I always said, 'I want that. I want a little one'. Well, here I am and here you are. My own little one. You have no idea how long I bugged your mama about having you. Even when we were just dating, I teased her about having kids. I want lots of little beans. But honestly? Just you is enough." Jean smiled.

"I don't even know you yet, but I already know you're perfect. You're so tiny right now. You could fit in the palm of my hand. I bet you have your mama's hair." He chuckled, looking over at Rebecca, still sleeping. "I wish you could see her right now. She's got wild hair, little bean. It's everywhere and I love it. I bet your hair is just like hers. I bet...I bet your smile is just like hers, too. So bright and full of mischief. I'd tear apart the world for that smile." He rubbed her stomach a little. "I know that right now, your mama is your main protector, you being inside her and all. But I'm your mama's main protector, and I'm here to keep you both safe." He could feel his eyes beginning to well up a little.

"I'm always going to love you, little bean. I don't know you yet but I know how much I love you. Your mama asked me once how she could love someone so much that she didn't even know, and I don't know the answer. But I know just how she feels. I love you so much, little one. It fills my heart up every day, and it causes it to break because I have no idea how to take care of you. I really don't. I'm a soldier, little bean, and I never had a younger sibling to even practice on. I'm a soldier, and all I've ever done is take lives. But," he swallowed, "I've protected them too. I promise, I'm always going to protect you, as best I possibly can. I will keep you safe, little bean. You and your mama. I'm her knight, you know. That makes me your knight, too. And I," his voice began to waver, "I promise I will figure it out. I will figure out how to change diapers, how to kiss scraped knees better, how to warm up bottles, how to keep you from falling off dressers because I know you're going to be a climber, I just know it. Peanut butter will unstick anything, and swaddling will keep you from scratching your face, and I'll figure it out, little bean. I know...I _know_ I've got paternal instinct. It's in here somewhere. And I love you so much, I love you so much and I'll figure it out. I'll figure it out somehow, and I'll protect you. I'll keep you safe, and I'll make you laugh, and I'll make you mad, and I'll make you happy, and I swear I will never, ever let you go a day without knowing how loved you are, little bean." His voice cracked on the last word and he blinked back a couple of tears.

Jean leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Rebecca's stomach. He pulled himself up and crawled into bed, pulling his wife close to him and tucking her head under his chin. He would figure this out. He'd made a promise to his child, that no matter what happened he'd figure it out. Instinct would kick in. He was a father. And he was going to be a damn good one. He closed his eyes, and let dreamless, restful sleep finally take him.

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 _So, in my head, the baby is "bean" because well, baby is a tiny bean, but also I feel like Havoc would make that joke that Becca plus Jean made a Bean. Because he's a dork. Anyway, I hope you liked it!_


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